Stress? What Stress?

OK, that's a lie. I'm totally stressed out. Fortunatly Luke gets here in about an hour and will make everything better.

Let's start with the decorations -- WHY must this be so complicated? I swear, if I have to think about where to put tulle one more time after this week my head may actually explode.

Second point -- dress. I have not actually tried it on yet. Why? Not sure.

.... you know, really, I could go on with all the little things that are driving me N-U-T-S (family,  clueless MOH with her own agenda, weather, etc) but you'd say "naw, that's not really that big of a deal" because you don't realize that it's all the little things at the same time that do the deed.

On a happy note, I do get to get married this weekend, and see my  awesome friends, and have awesome pictures taken -- you know the drill. And I am way excited about these things.

I was practicing my vows earlier and starting to tear up. and texted Abigail that I feared this would be a problem on my wedding day.

Abigial: Just picture him naked. No, wait, wrong advice.

Ha.

Wedding Central

I don't expect to have time to post again (or a computer to it on) until we get back from our little honeymoon.

For those who don't know, we are planning a trip up to the Olympic Peninsula for a quick getaway, then likely heading out to Boise over the July 4 weekend to grab our gifts and schlep them back home.

Yee-ha.

So -- the next time I blog here I'll be a Mrs.!

Whoa exciting.

I'm still a little bit in disbelief, though, at this whole thing. I never ... well, yeah. It's just surprising the cool way God arranges things.

Next week looks like this:

Monday: fly to California at the ungodly hour of 6 a.m.; bridal shower at the Tomlinson's in the evening
Tuesday: appointments doing stuff, including looking at my flowers and a hair consultation. Probably look at the church to decide what we think about this or that as far as decorating goes.
Wednesday: Luke comes in, we get our marriage license and go to dinner with Shelly, her boy and Patricia and her boy
Thursday: Hyla comes in, we go to the beach, log some sun, sand and surf hours, shower and grandma's and hit the boardwalk with all our friends. After a few hours there we head back to Maria's for some girl time
Friday: decorate the church, get our nails done, rehersal, rehersal dinner
Saturday: hair done, makeup by me, get dressed, photos, WEDDING!, reception, photos in Santa Cruz with my favorite Joe, giant wedding burrito (because we had a giant engagement burrito and that worked out pretty well), drop Joe off, hotel
Sunday: EARLY flight home, back to the apartment, grab our stuff, honeymoon

So maybe I'll have time to post pictures and stuff mid-week, but dont count on it.

YAY! I'm getting married this week !! :-)

E is for Errands

A lovely day for doing all the final little things we had to do here before the wedding.

Things like printing our programs.

And folding all 100 of them.

And taking Luke's uniform to the dry cleaners.

And taking a one hour nap in the sun (oh yes, this was on the list).

Now that Luke is back in town I get to say things like "hey, there's a spider in the closet, Im afraid. Maybe you should kill it?" and "I stepped on a giant nail, you should rub my feet," or "would you like some peach pie?" and everyone has a grand time.

It's awesome.

A week from tomorrow I'll be wearing my beau-ti-ful dress, surprising shoes and way-cool hair.

Meanwhile, I think I need to go to the gym again, while I still have time ...

Countdown Central

Welcome to countdown central, the place where we count things down in a very obnoxious manner, yet you choose to read anyway.

We aren't sure why.

And so the countdowns begin.

16 days until I get back from my honeymoon

11 days until my wedding

9 days until I get to see the boys, Rachel and Hyla

6 days until I arrive in California

2 days until Luke comes home

1 day until the anniversary of the day I blocked his clarity.

Sigh.

Forehead Fungus and More!

It started like a bug bite -- a spot on my forehead that was weird and itchy. I scratched it and thought nothing of it.

That, of course, was before I knew it was forehead fungus.

It got worse under my swim cap. I thought I just head dry skin irritated by the pool, so I stopped swimming.

But the moisturizer wasn't working -- no matter how much I used it was still dry and weird. And red. And starting to swell.

And so we broke out the cortisone cream, and the lotromin (yes, for my face), and now it is better or getting better at least.

I just couldn't escape the wedding without some sort of weird cosmetic emergency, could I? Of course not.

And as if that's not enough, today I stepped on a nail in the parking lot. It went right through my flip flop, and now I have a hole in my foot.

Awesome.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm watching Garden State, one of my favorite movies. It has been far too long.

Hung out with friend Angel this evening for nails, dinner in my house and a movie. I was glad for the company and I'm sure she was, too.

Tomorrow = muffin making.

Wednesday = coffee with friend Courtney followed by girl movie night with enough friends to fill the couches.

Thursday = waiting for Luke to come home and Navs

Friday = Luke. Yay :-)

Spidery

There's a spider in my linen closet, hiding in Luke's box of random cosmeticish crap, also the home of my new bottle of conditioner and a box of shampoo that I'm going to need in fairly short order.

Anyone want to come get those out for me? After finding it, screaming my head off and bursting into tears, I'm really not inclined to venture back in ...

Sigh, times two

I slept in this morning.

I think that was a good choice. I'll go to the gym tonight after work, then to Gen's house to watch Juno with her, Jeff and my not-dog, Mosa.

Gen is a better friend than we give her credit for. She all but demanded they hang out with me tonight.

Sometimes I just need someone to make me do things. Had Abigail and Brett not appeared on my doorstep last night for Navs, I probably just wouldn't have gone or tried to find a way to go.

I have a lot more to say ... but I dont really want to say it. The wedding, is driving me crazy. Everyday is a new stress ........

A Tisket a Tasket ...

My basket is full.

This is my dear friend, Dana, describes how she feels when she has a lot to say. She told me once that every evening before they go to sleep, she empties her basket to her husband, and then she can rest.

I have no where to dump my basket.

This is why it is not good that Amy should live alone or without a pretty constant companionship of someone. I just have to have someone (or multiple people) to decompress with.

It goes something like this: I start my day by talking to Dana on IM, telling her about all sorts of things and listening (reading) her tell me about things. Then I come to work, and tell Abigail all of those things, and other things, and get the same back. After that I go home, where eventually I see Luke, and get to tell him all those things, more things and new things. And then my basket is empty. Sometimes there is even more to say, so I blog it or journal it.

I feel the loneliest when my basket is full and I have no where to put it. Dana is on a cruise. The boy is off shooting stuff. Abigail has family in town.

And I feel very, very lonely.

I did get to do one of my favorite things today for about 15 minutes -- talk about D.C. with someone. I love, love that city and talking about it and all its haunts and finer points makes me feel so ... good. I don't know why.

Also, I accomplished something major today. A great mystery involving one of our customers was solved by yours truly. The mystery was this: what does he actually DO!?

This guy drives a very nice convertible, leaves large tips (sometimes as much as $8 for his coffee), meets his wife and step-kid here at the coffee shop for lunch a few times a week, and lives in a huge house in a very expensive part of town. From talking to them I learned he works from home (supported by the fact that I always see him in jeans and fleece), frequently visits his family beach house and travels to Washington D.C. about once a month on business.

Not for our life could we figure out what he does. I had concluded that he was some sort of defense contractor who does periodic meetings with high level officials in D.C. but mostly works from home. Abigial couldn't figure out what he does.

We decided: we must ask.

So far from D.C. and my random connections and general "I know everyone or at least know someone who knows the people I dont know" state (for the love, I worked daily with members of congress and went to the same church as John Ashcroft for a year or two), I would've never expect this kind of connection ... no here, anyway... but nonetheless here, sitting in my coffee house on the other side of the country, I discovered that these people are the offspring/executive assistant of this man.

Random. And I miss D.C. and the weird connections-are-power phenomenon that comes with it. Not only would have never guessed that they are so politically well connected, but they don't seem to care at all. They have never mentioned it. They don't really look the part ... as if it doesn't matter to them even the tiniest bit. If this were D.C., it would be worn on their sleeve or, if wasn't, it wouldn't matter because everyone would know it already.

Who is buff? Not your mom.

The idea is that by this time 10 days from now I will look in the mirror and say "You look buff and awesome. Go you."

So far, so good. All the weight lifting and swimming is starting to show in the shoulders ... and that's the idea.

Keep on keepin' on.

The exercising, as I've said before, helps me keep my sanity. When Luke is gone I have to have a goal, a focus and lots of busy-ness.

Today was spent working out, working, doing wedding stuff, seeing people and talking to Genevieve, who came over specifically to give me a hug. This is what friends are for.

Note to self: during the first week of Luke-less-ness, do not do potentially emotional things at work, because you might just end up standing in the back room crying (not a lot of crying, but enough to be very, very pitiful and sad) between customers.

A Fortunate Cookie

Last night my teriyaki included two fortune cookies -- one told me that I would inherit money (I prefer not to think about that), the other that someone will give me a gift of food, for my health.

Awesome!

I'm expecting my gifty food any day now. Just for the record.

Busied myself today with various wedding-oriented tasks like going to the gym, getting my nails done, taking Luke's hat to the sewing place, organizing my program template -- that sort of thing. I capped the day with a trip up to Seatac to chat with Aimee and check out Nordstrom Rack.

Coping requires that I stay busy. I find working out helps leaps and bounds with this.

Walking outside also makes me feel better ... unfortunately someone forgot to tell the weather that it's June, not February, so it's raining. And cold. And I don't like walking around in the cold rain ... go figure.

Oh, oh now I'm thinking about it again and the missing him is coming back.

I think I'll go to bed before I feel too much again.

How to Cope, Part II

It started a little weak -- I walked into the church service and felt so completely lost and alone. Seeing people I recognized from meeting once but no one interested in saying "hi" to me, I retreated into the bathroom to hide for the last few minutes before church.

Yes, I'm a coward. But I just didn't want to deal with it today.

When I emerged folks were there that I knew, so I said "hi" to them and found a seat ... alone.

It's hard doing things without him that I've always done with him ... It's hard to get used to doing them alone again. I know that sounds lame and weak. But it's the truth.

The end of this story is good, though. By the end of the service, it was somehow better. I was all of the sudden OK with it.

And this afternoon I ran around with Abigail doing intensely girlie things, then represented the Bushatz family (well, almost Bushatz family) at a membership class at our church.

And then I came home .. ate ice cream, watched Friends, put stuff away ...

(I miss Luke).

How to Cope, Part I

It's not like I didn't cry today -- I did, but not a lot. When I woke up and found myself starting to tear, I went back to sleep. I cried at my mother, but I feel that's allowed -- and a tear or two keeps cropping up now and then, but I tell them to go away.

Today was a lesson in how to cope. Sleep, exercise, a movie with Abigail, running errands with friends combined to make a full day without much time to let the feelings overwhelm me.

(I did spend a LOT of money, though. OK not that much, and I did get a ton of stuff that I actually needed to get, but still).

The first week of him being gone is always the hardest. It takes me about that long to fall into a Lukeless pattern, to adjust my instinctual expectations for how the day will go, what will happen, when I'll see him, what'll he'll say, how I'll feel, what I'll cook, how I'll spend my evening, what I'll eat, how I'll look, and so on. After that I fall into something of a pattern -- back to the Amyness, if you will, of falling mostly asleep on the couch in the evening, and eating my normal dinner. It's hard. It's emotional, even though I don't understand why. But I manage.

But he's always had a phone, before. He's always called every day or so, so the intense loneliness I feel here without him in the place that is still becoming my home is somewhat alleviated. This time, is different.

I remember he's gone and I can't take talk to him sporadically-- while I was thinking about church tomorrow or buying groceries tonight (an intensely Lukeless collection of yogurt drinks, fat-free milk, non-fat ice cream, fruit, eggs and salsa. No pork. No Lucky Charms). And then it's hard.

Next week it will be better, I think.

I wonder why it's so hard. I mean, I'm a big girl who has survived many years quite successfully without a boy to keep me company all of the time. Why am I such a mess now? Why does this hurt so much, and how can I make it stop? How am I supposed to survive more than a year of this at a time if I can't even handle him being gone for two measly weeks? Will it get easier? Will I somehow care less?

Perhaps this time is special (I certainly wasn't quite this upset last time around) because of all the emotion piled up regarding the wedding ... perhaps this is a fluke.

I hope so. Because now I'm crying again... I think I'm going to turn off this Army Wives show, too, because it's making me even more sad.

Sob Point

It's like a wall -- the point where there are just too many emotionally trying things at one time that I can't not cry about all of them, even if I'm perfectly rested.

Today was Sob Day.

(You are going to have to read the post to get to the funny part. Sorry, kids).

It'd be nice if I could be a strong almost-Army wife who understands, accepts -- heck, even embraces, the sacrifice. Sure, it'd be nice ... but I don't feel like that's going to happen at this exact moment.

The wedding is stressing me out, or rather, people involved in the wedding are stressing me out. I start crying almost everytime I think about how rotten, unloved and unwanted the whole situation makes me feel. So I shouldn't take it personally? It feels personal.

Luke being gone and completely unable to mitigate my emotionally driven conclusions just adds fuel to the weepy fire. I can't talk to him or regain sanity for two whole weeks. There's not even a hope that I'll be able to talk to him, which is extra special hard. Two weeks! What if I die? What if I decide I can't handle it anymore? What if I decide that I really DO want to be a nun instead of getting married? Who will convince me not to do those things!?

So tonight Luke and I went to dinner (I cried on the way over), and then I dropped him off on post (I cried sitting in the car, while getting gas after leaving him and while driving home). Then I sat in the car in front of the apartment and cried some more about all the stupidness ... and then I decided that it was time to come into the apartment and watch What Not To Wear (which I planned to do while crying periodically over tea) when I realized ...

That Luke had the apartment key and I was locked out. Completely locked out from the one thing that I expected to bring me solace -- Stacy, Clinton and More Crying.

My mind raced through the options: leasing office? Closed. Go back on post to get the key? No can do without a military ID. Call Luke and have him meet me off post? No cell phone. Call Abigail and sob uncontrollably into the phone until she comes and rescues me with a no doubt genius plan and/or amazing sarcastic wit?

There it is.

So I did that, and she came (with wit), and took me to post where the Super Slow Army was still packing their trucks and getting ready to leave, then she followed me through a bunch of Army guys, who appeared unfazed and even unaffected (the nerve!) at the site of two hot (sweats and red eyes not withstanding) girls wandering around to find Luke. He appeared a little befuddled to see me but handed me the key without much comment.

More wit, a short drive home and then I got to come and curl up with my blog, tea, Stacy and Clinton and the crying.

Maybe tomorrow I'll have dried up a little bit and maybe not be such a girl. Ill let you know how that goes.

A Truly GIANT Number

We aren't even going to say the number here. It's TOO big to mention.

But that's what the scale told me this morning .. please note, this giant number was actually higher than it was last time. Have I been exercising a lot since then? Oh, yes. Have I been eating well? Indeed.

Then why? WHY?!?!!?

Boo. I just want to looks thin and awesome at my wedding ...

I'm really tired. It's a little sad how excited I am about sleeping in tomorrow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am the platoon super star once more, I would like to note -- who just made cookies AND brownies for the field?? Amy did, that's right.
~~~~~~~~~

It's raining. Again. I'm not going to lie -- I'm getting a little tired of this. Please note: this does not mean that I HATE the rain ... it just means that I am tired of this current weather pattern. And I'm cold. And I'm annoyed with the mud.

.... And I'm really in the place that I could do well to go to sleep right now. We would totally be at the "Amy. Go to bed" point were it not that we have to go to Bible study soon and I have to be awesome and awake for the duration, maybe even a moderately pleasant person to talk with.

(Oh! Maybe we can take naps in small group!)

Edit:
JUST KIDDING! Another option: not going to small group and sleeping instead. Woo. Sorry to miss group, happy to hang out with Luke for a few more hours before he disappears without a cell phone for two whole weeks.

Army = minus 230 points

I have a laundry list of things to say here today -- so many that I wrote a list on the way back from the gym just to make sure I don't forget.

The Army has just been deducted 1,000 points or more. Basically anything it earned by having an awesome forest for me to walk in and by giving me cheap groceries is gone. Why? Of course I'm planning to tell you (didn't think you'd get away that easy, did you?)

-- Abigail. The Army sucks so much for Abigail right now that I actually spend time crying for her. Not for me, really, but because of everything she is going through.
-- Dana. Her brother in law's deployment (his second in I dont know how long, but it's too soon) has been pushed up a day, messing up a bunch of plans for seeing him.
-- Me. Luke is going to the field for just about two weeks starting Friday. This sucks because we are getting married in three weeks from Saturday, and let's not lie -- it'd be nice for him to be around. But now, to make matters worse ... they are not letting him take his cell phone ... awesome.

So basically -- Army? In the dog house in a major, major way.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm also mad about wedding stuff. Let's just say -- people are incompetent. And I'm going to leave it at that.
~~~~~~~~~~~

I heard a song this morning on the radio that made me mad. I've been listening to the christian radio music station because it makes me feel good (although the call to get "low, low, low, low" on the other station still has its place). Sometimes, however, it makes me mad. Like when my "morning friends, Scott and Sam" come on at 6 a.m. and say dumb, corny things. Or when they play trashy Christian music that make following Jesus sound like a fad.

This morning's song went something like this .. "I'm into Jesus, yes I believe. I'm into Jesus ... it's changed my life ..." as if following Christ is the same as, say, being into yoga or water aerobics. You know, it changes your life because it makes you more flexible or muscular, but it doesn't really mean anything. Certainly, it does not require sacrifice.

People who cheapen Christ and what it takes -- what I've given away and will give away -- to follow Him? They make me mad.
~~~~~~~~~~~

I was brooding about all of the above this morning in the locker room at the gym (side note: I've started going to a different gym than before. At the new gym I do not have to deal with old naked Asian ladies -- in fact, I don't think I've run into any naked ladies so far. That's because this gym has no sauna that said old naked Asian ladies like to visit) listening to two women talk about their medical problems.

Apparently, the one woman has had cancer, maybe breast, in the past and is afraid she has it again. They were talking about her tests. The other woman clearly has breast cancer and had a completely flat chest and hair that was just starting to come back in.

What caught me was that they weren't complaining about their problems at all -- they were simply talking about them, like I talk about the awesome chicken I plan to make any given night or my wedding.

"I've got to have my ovaries removed," the one with no chest said.

"Yeah? For sure?" the other one said.

"Yeah, I gotta."

And they moved on in the conversation. No discussion. No crying. She didn't even sound upset about it. They were onto the crazy way the womans short hair was coming in and how it was impossible to comb...

These two women are dealing with something much bigger than I ever have or hopefully ever will deal with. If the sum total of my problems is a fiance with no cell phone access for two weeks, people involved with my wedding who are morons and a dumb song on the radio ... I've got it pretty good.

June,...

I'm getting married this month :-D