Kill Joy, Part II

The problem with this blog, as with all others, is that I tend to only post when I really have something eating me that I just have to say.

And so it becomes a brain dump for all my being unhappy and Army hating, when really there are many days in which I love (OK love is a little strong of a word) the military and don't mind being an Army wife, and have a lot of fun.

So, in the name of not making me sound miserable ALL of the time, I'm going to start this post by telling about all the good times I've had since Luke was gone, and say things like "I had tons of fun without him" and "I may actually be able to function long term with him leaving and coming like this -- surprised me too."

So, let's start with last Wednesday -- went to Bible study and it was actually really good without Luke. I doubted the possibility of that. I got to talk about D.C. for an extended time with people who are moving there, and that always makes me happy.

Thursday -- saw Julia and Veeka, both of whom I enjoy a lot and had a lot of fun at the park. Thursday evening was Navs, which was also super fun.

Friday -- Went to the park with Gen and my not dog and Gen's not baby. Went to a birthday party Friday evening with Gen and Jeff and several other very fun people and played my favorite game, Apples to Apples.

Saturday -- I was thinking about going kayaking, but I ditched that idea and decided to go hiking with friends. Photographic evidence:
It was pretty much good times. That evening I took some work gals to a movie on post, where we saw the funniest pre-video of the national anthem ever made, featuring a moose. I laughed. (I also loved the movie, Get Smart).

Sunday -- Went to church, actually played sports with Navigator friends, went to the pool, came home because I was tired.

Monday -- My one month wedding anniversary. Where is my husband? Not here and has not talked to me in six days. But I am still OK! Why? Because I got to talk to Abigail for an hour on the phone and my husband was coming home in only on day and then I got to wash my carpet. And THAT made me really, really happy. And I organized drawers. And cabinets. And it was fantastic.

Now is the part where things go down hill. But you can see that I was very happy and well adjusted for several days there.

Last night (after all the cleaning) I went to bed, where I spent hours dreaming that Luke did get home before I left, but I couldn't talk to him or spend time with him because a bajillion people kept coming in and interrupting. By the time I woke up this morning I was really mad and stressed out and basically ready to see my husband again.

So I started watching the phone. He was supposed to call when he got home, likely this afternoon.

And it did ring. But not because Luke was calling. Basically everyone EXCEPT Luke called.

So I kept waiting. Gen was scheduled as back up driver just in case the Army was stupid and Luke wasn't home yet. But of course that wasn't going to happen.

And I kept waiting. And I made brownies. And then I walked around and admired my floors. And then I watched the Sopranos. And then I admired my floors some more.

And then my phone rang -- Luke, calling from not his phone (because he doesnt have it with him) to say that he wont be home until at least 10 p.m. tonight, and that I should call Gen and have her take me.

That converastion lasted 3 minutes -- the longest (and the only time) I've talked to him since last Wednesday. It was mostly silence because I couldn't talk. There I was again, stupid Army wife who hates the Army, crying on her couch because her husband is always gone.

Now I definitely do NOT want to go D.C. at all. I just want to sit here and wait for him to come home. And I do NOT want to fly all night. I do NOT want to eat lunch with anyone tomorrow, unless it is Luke, and I do NOT to walk around my former hometown, fighting off the urge to wish I still lived there without first seeing my wonderful husband and being reminded of why I left to start with.

Awesome, I'm a complete mess again ... so much for doing well.

Spotted: One Stinky Cheese Man

It's official -- the entire Army smells like feet.

Boy feet, specifically.

I first noticed (and how could I miss it) while sitting in Luke's office being invisible last week. I made him take me home mostly because I didn't want to be invisible (maybe I'll go off on this phenomenon another time), but partly because I could not stand to hang out in a place that smells THAT bad.

How the heck do they work there?! And you know it's not just the smell of Luke, but the scent of about 20 or 30 dudes in uniform and tan boots wandering around, being productive (yet another subject worthy of discussion -- what are these people actually DOING all day?! I mean, I know what Luke does... I think ...)

It was not until last night while sitting in Bible Study in a brand new chapel on the North side of Fort Lewis that I decided that the scent is not just relegated to offices but permeates the entire post. We were using a children's classroom -- a classroom where the boots shouldn't be! -- and there it was, that funky soldier foot smell.

Dis.Gus.Ting.

And it really is everywhere -- the PX, the commissary, the gym (ok, that actually makes sense), the chapel ...

How do we make it stop? And what if it tries to come into my house ...maybe we'll just start requiring the husband to put all dirty clothes straight in the wash immediately after coming home ...

Kill Joy

I was doing fine most of the morning -- sure my husband was leaving, but I saw him off from the my bed this morning half asleep with my eyes closed without crying really at all (the sleeping helped with the not being emotional). I was fine, that is, until he called me just to talk one more time before he falls off the face of the planet.

That was such a sweet thought ... but it ruined my composure.

By the time I got off work the only thing that was going to Save The Day was 1/2 hour in the park and, more importantly, 1 1/2 miles in the pool.

Flashback: other than cheapish groceries, the Army's only saving grace in my book is the free, clean pools.

Obviously they are hell bent on making me hate them as much as possible ... because though I planned my swim around the Fort Lewis pool schedule, when I got there they were closed for ROTC training, another pool was closed and the third only had two lanes open for lap swimming -- that's right, two lanes servicing the whole base. I didn't even bother going over.

I thought the Air Force would be there for me if the Army wasn't, but no -- their pool was closed too.

And now I'm royally pissed, mad at the Army and finding my only solace in a box of Wheat Thins.

(i hate the army)

Inappropriate!

There are some things that are just not OK to say. As my friend Lawren pointed out yesterday, there are some things you should never, ever ask someone that people for some reason ask anyway. Why would they do that? Not sure

.... Things like "How does it feel to be married?" (I have no idea how to answer this question. I know it's asked with the best of intentions, but what do you REALLY want to know when you ask this??) or, worse, "Was this baby planned?" (the subject of Lawren's justified rant).

There is one thing, however, that is worse than all those -- not a question, but a statement in response to my complaints about the Army being stupid and my husband leaving for six days at a time with no cell phone (even though two days ago he was only supposed to be gone four days and could bring his cell phone) ...

"Well, he's in the Army, so you better get used to it."

Ah, thank you, person who probably does NOT have a husband in the Army and has NO idea why it is so hard, so much harder than you would think ... how no matter how much you tell yourself that he comes and goes and it will be OK, it's not. Thank you, person who will never have to deal with because they have no military connection outside of you. Thank you, person who, when I say "you are never allowed to say that to me," clearly doesn't understand why, or care to understand. Thank you, person, who obviously thinks I'm delusional and a resident of the happy little land of denial. Your opinion and expertise is the one I value.

Not.

I don't know where people get off thinking that is an OK thing to say. How can you possibly think such a phrase, uttered repeatedly whenever I'm sad or lonely, is going to help? You think I do not know that being in the Army means that my husband, the person I love more than anyone else, who I left my entire life and career for, my best friend -- you think I don't know that the Army will take him away repeatedly for 12 to 15 months during which I'll barely get to talk to him, see him once for a week and he could die (that means be gone forever, in case you don't get it).

Ah, yes, the solace to my soul is your experienced "get used to it, and shut up."

In short, never, ever say that to me.

Repeat After Me...

I am a supportive Army wife. I am a supportive Army wife. I AM a supportive Army wife.

The more I say, the more it will be true, right?

(not working ...)

Luke is late at work again .. this wouldn't be so frustrating if he hadn't left for work at 3:30 a.m. And if he hadn't said he'd be home at 5:30 p.m. And if I hadn't made dinner to be ready at 6:00 p.m. And if he hadn't just called to say his Army boss man is keeping him at least a half hour later.

i am a supportive army wife.

(stupid army)

This is quite the change from earlier. There I was, driving around post between a free swim in the tax payers' pool and shopping at the cheap-ish, tax free grocery store and the thought popped into my head "being in the Army is awesome! good priced/free stuff abounds!"

Whoa, talk about a lapse in sanity. I must've forgotten for that moment about all the stupid Luke working late and leaving for days at a time and Washington BFF Abigail leaving for way, way too long. (I don't want to talk about that right now, by the way, lest I become kind of upset).

Gotta keep these things in the front of my mind ... maybe it will help me be supportive ... that way I won't ever be disappointed. Maybe I'll have really low expectations so that whenever I get to keep my friends for more than a few months or my husband gets to eat dinner with me, when he says he will ... I'll be way excited.

A Single Thought

Just because it is playing on ESPN, does not mean it must be watched

Weekend, How I Love Thee

I am so completely over this whole work during the week thing. Maybe it was because I spent the entire week with snot flowing out my face (where does it all COME from?! I swear, there is no end) -- but by the time this afternoon rolled around I was ready to not walk into that coffee shop ever again.

I hope I feel differently by Monday.

Tomorrow I'll spend the day with Luke signing up to be an Army dependent. That means insurance paperwork, ID paperwork, dependent on the payroll paperwork ... an entire forest of paper used just to get me to be all official.

The plan for this could all change. Ah yes, God no doubt finds all of this very comical. I love making plans, schedules, contemplating coming events and basically making my life revolve around things I've put in place for the coming day/week/month/year. And so he put me in the Army, where plans can change 123,456,678,457 in one day just to make me freak out a little.

Heh.

I didn't feel like doing the gym thing yesterday -- it was such a lovely day out, and I've been so bored with the same-old, same-old there that I just wanted to stay close to home. Today I just felt kinda .. blah ... tired, bored of the gym, confused about a bunch of stuff running through my brain/heart right now ... but...

Dah-duh-duh! Abigail to the rescue!

Brand new swimming suits (my old one officially fell apart last week) arrived today and so we are going swimming before Bible study. THAT is a work out I can get behind. And the best part? When we get to Navs we'll be soggy, smell like chlorine, and looks like we showered and got dressed at the gym ... hot!