After almost a week of successful single parenting I hit the wall -- yesterday I just didn't want to be Dave's mommy anymore.
To be clear, it wasn't an "anymore, forever and ever amen" sort of thing. I just didn't want to be a mommy yesterday. For one day. One, glorious day where I could sit on the couch, watch Sense and Sensibility and NOT mitigate coloring/painting/alphabet/reading/puzzle/pretend food/cars/feeding/napping/diaper changing/bathing/peed-on-bedding drama.
Unlike the struggles I mentioned in my last post, where I battle double the love load as surrogate Daddy plus all the the extra garbage hauling work ... there really wasn't any extra work. I just wasn't feeling being Mommy OR Daddy.
I just wanted, for one day - one glorious day - to be Amy. Nothing else.
And so Dave made his weekly visit to the childcare center on post, while I trotted around town running errands (Total lie. No errands were run. Yesterday I got a haircut and a massage). And then I picked him up, came home, put him down for his nap, and collapsed on the couch in front of a movie.
The trouble started when he woke-up. ... and wanted attention. The nerve of that child.
And so I, Amy the not-mommy, ignored him ... and continued to sit on the couch and watch my movie.
This process lasted about an hour until he had became impossible to ignore ... and kind of stinky. So I changed his diaper and we went outside, where I, Amy-the-not-mommy, sat on the stairs and enjoyed a cooling breeze.
We ate dinner, I did the dishes (but not because I was a mommy - mostly because they were annoying), I helped Dave with his jammies with the end goal of ultimately bidding him a bedtime farewell.
And then I, Amy-the-not-mommy, found a little boy in stripy, footie PJs snuggled in my lap. And so I Amy-the-not-mommy, sat on the floor and sang lullabies to a poor, sad, neglected Daddy/Mommyless Dave.
That was when I changed my mind. I DO want to be his mommy -- in that moment there wasn't a way for me to NOT want to be his mommy. And maybe, when I act like a big selfish jerk, Dave doesn't want me to be his mommy, either. But he still loves me anyway. Isn't that nice of him?