Saturday, June 7, 2008

How to Cope, Part I

It's not like I didn't cry today -- I did, but not a lot. When I woke up and found myself starting to tear, I went back to sleep. I cried at my mother, but I feel that's allowed -- and a tear or two keeps cropping up now and then, but I tell them to go away.

Today was a lesson in how to cope. Sleep, exercise, a movie with Abigail, running errands with friends combined to make a full day without much time to let the feelings overwhelm me.

(I did spend a LOT of money, though. OK not that much, and I did get a ton of stuff that I actually needed to get, but still).

The first week of him being gone is always the hardest. It takes me about that long to fall into a Lukeless pattern, to adjust my instinctual expectations for how the day will go, what will happen, when I'll see him, what'll he'll say, how I'll feel, what I'll cook, how I'll spend my evening, what I'll eat, how I'll look, and so on. After that I fall into something of a pattern -- back to the Amyness, if you will, of falling mostly asleep on the couch in the evening, and eating my normal dinner. It's hard. It's emotional, even though I don't understand why. But I manage.

But he's always had a phone, before. He's always called every day or so, so the intense loneliness I feel here without him in the place that is still becoming my home is somewhat alleviated. This time, is different.

I remember he's gone and I can't take talk to him sporadically-- while I was thinking about church tomorrow or buying groceries tonight (an intensely Lukeless collection of yogurt drinks, fat-free milk, non-fat ice cream, fruit, eggs and salsa. No pork. No Lucky Charms). And then it's hard.

Next week it will be better, I think.

I wonder why it's so hard. I mean, I'm a big girl who has survived many years quite successfully without a boy to keep me company all of the time. Why am I such a mess now? Why does this hurt so much, and how can I make it stop? How am I supposed to survive more than a year of this at a time if I can't even handle him being gone for two measly weeks? Will it get easier? Will I somehow care less?

Perhaps this time is special (I certainly wasn't quite this upset last time around) because of all the emotion piled up regarding the wedding ... perhaps this is a fluke.

I hope so. Because now I'm crying again... I think I'm going to turn off this Army Wives show, too, because it's making me even more sad.

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